How to enjoy sex even when getting hard is hard

For some of penis-owners, getting things up and running isn’t always straightforward. An estimated 4.3 million men in the UK suffer from erectile dysfunction (ED)—so if that’s you, you’re far from alone. It’s sometimes emotionally challenging too, leaving sufferers to feel scared, anxious and stressed.

Much of this worry could come from the idea that sex requires penetration—and therefore an erection. But that definition is limited. The truth is, you don’t need a hard-on to give or experience pleasure.

And most people who have ED can still enjoy a great sex life—with intimacy, stimulation, and even an orgasm—without a full erection. Sounds good, right?

Why great sex is possible even when you have difficulty getting an erection

Great sex doesn’t come in inches—whether hard or not. Pleasure comes from the positive feelings—physical or emotional—that someone experiences during sexual activities, whether alone or with someone else. Think of it as a conversation between the brain and the body rather than a solo performance.

Arousal often begins with a sensory trigger, which alerts the brain that things are about to get going. The brain then sends signals to the body, letting it know to start the arousal process. But if pressure and anxiety enter the room, they can hijack that conversation, shifting the focus away from desire and making it difficult for an erection to form.

But a lack of erection doesn’t mean a lack of desire. Instead, it’s an opportunity to think creatively and explore intimacy, touch and pleasure without penetration being the only goal.

How to talk to your partner about sexual anxiety

When it comes to sex and ED, communication is key—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for everyone. Talking about intimacy may feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. But opening up about it might ease your anxieties, helping you rise to the occasion later.

Let your partner know that it’s not about them or how you feel about their body, but that they can be part of the solution. Talk about what turns you on—even if you’ve been together for a long time—and try to make it into a fun couple’s activity.

Need a bit of help getting the ball rolling? Here are some tips:

1. Preparing for the conversation: Think about what you want to say before and maybe write down a few things, so you don’t forget in the moment.
2. Choosing the right time and place: Pick somewhere private, where you both feel comfortable talking freely without distractions.
3. Focus on a shared experience: Frame the conversation around building intimacy and connection together, and on finding solutions that satisfy both of you.
4. Avoid blame or pressure: This is about using honesty and understanding to bring you closer together. Use “I” statements, such as “I’ve been feeling anxious lately,” to share your feelings in an open and non-argumentative way.

Sex tips to try if you're struggling to keep an erection

If getting hard is challenging, try exploring each other’s bodies without the pressure of penetration—touch, kiss, caress, and talk to each other about what feels good.

1. Think, hands: If getting an erection is difficult, it doesn’t mean you can’t explore each other’s bodies. Start with your hands and take things slow—try alternating pressure, rhythm, and intensity.
2. Then, mouths: It’s a low-pressure yet intimate way to build a connection—no erection required.
3. Prioritise mutual pleasure: Pleasure is a two-way street, so walk it. Focus on mutual stimulation and arousal for everyone involved.
4. Build arousal with foreplay: If penetration is not the goal, focus on foreplay and don’t rush. Take your time and let arousal happen naturally––try Durex Intense Orgasmic Gel to take things to a whole new level.

Experiment with sex toys

Sex toys and accessories can be a great alternative way to turn up the heat in the bedroom, without penetration as the only goal. For example, adding lube can increase comfort and reduce friction.

Here are two toys you can bring into the bedroom:

1. Cock rings are ring-shaped devices that are designed to increase pleasure for everyone involved. They apply pressure to the base of the penis and some also stimulate your partner’s clitoris, providing increased satisfaction for you and your partner.
2. Vibrators are small yet powerful devices that can increase stimulation for both you and your partner. You could also experiment with male massagers that target specific erogenous zones like the prostate.

How to relax during sex

As we mentioned earlier, arousal starts in the brain. So if you’re distracted by stress or your endless to-do list, it can be difficult to get and maintain an erection.

But sexual mindfulness—or paying attention in the present moment—can help reduce anxiety and improve awareness in the bedroom, which is very useful for anyone experiencing ED.

Try out these tips:

1. Breathe: Pay attention to your breathing to help you stay in the present moment and aid relaxation. Or try syncing your inhales and exhales with your partner.
2. Focus on your senses: Think about each sense. What are you feeling? What does your partner taste or smell like? What can you hear? Experience every sensation.
3. Let go of expectation: Slow down and take your time to enjoy the moment with your partner. Let go of penetration as the ultimate goal and don’t rush to try and orgasm.
4. Reduce distractions: Don’t let anything get in the way. Create an environment just for you and your partner. No phones. No TV.

Don't let erection problems affect your sex life

There’s no one way to have sex and it doesn’t have to end in penetration. Touch, openness, experimentation and communication are what create a mind-blowing sex life—not erections. Help is available, and it doesn’t need to stay this way. And remember, there are lots of fun ways to explore intimacy with ED.

If you have ongoing concerns, speak to your pharmacist who might be able to recommend treatment. Or consider making an appointment with your doctor or at a sexual health clinic.

Durex Sildenafil 50mg film-coated tablets. For erectile dysfunction problems in adult men. Always read the label. Ask your pharmacist if this medicine is suitable for you.

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