Exploration

Ready to explore?

Dictating what sex should look like can be limiting for everyone. We should all feel free to explore our way, without feeling like we need to adhere to cis-heteronormative structures if that doesn’t suit us. But poor representation that can leave us feeling unsupported, unaccepted, and missing out on the “permission” to explore and experience pleasure in our own way.

Our bodies are beautiful and deserve to be welcomed, loved, and treated with respect.

Welcoming every body

When exploring sex outside the system it can be helpful to move away from gender roles and the bits you’ve got, and towards how you communicate and connect. Whether you’re figuring out strap-ons, learning what ‘side’ actually means, on a journey of physical transition, or looking for representation of disabled people having hot sex, here’s some advice from people who’ve been there.

Understanding sex often begins by exploring what makes your body feel good. If you’re exploring with someone else, communication and consent should come first. Discuss contraception – what is your preference? Chat about boundaries - is anything off limits? Anything you want to explore? Clothes on or off? There are so many things to try, and, ultimately, it’s about what brings you and your partner(s) pleasure.

Let’s talk pleasure

For many, sex is mostly thought of as penis in vagina penetration. Different types of sex, like making out, oral, fingering, massaging, mutual masturbation and butt play don’t have to be the preshow, they can be ‘the’ main show. They are all valid ways of having sex and experiencing pleasure.

Anal, strap-ons and pegging

If you’re exploring anal play for the first time, you could start with tongues, fingers, and smaller toys like butt plugs. Remember the butt can’t lube itself so make sure you lube up. Your strap should align with your needs and desires –and if you have a partner who you’re planning to use it with, you could go shopping for a dildo together. Pegging has become a bit more mainstream, but it’s not limited by specific gender roles or what you’ve got between your legs.

Pegging can be fun– no matter your identity - and if it’s not for you, that’s cool too. Here are some tips: relax into it, don’t forget about lube, don’t try to push through any pain, take breaks and most importantly have fun.

Top, bottom or switch?

Topping and bottoming is usually about letting partners know whether they want to give or receive penetration, while for others, can be more to do with control. These terms aren’t exclusively for queer men and can be descriptors used for any sexual relationship. A top is someone who wants to give penetration or may wish to have more control during sex and a bottom is someone who enjoys receiving. There are also power bottoms, who want to receive but tend to take more control, stone tops are givers not receivers and there’s more, which is why it’s important to chat about what these terms mean to your partner(s). Just saying “I’m a top” or “I’m a bottom” doesn’t always give us enough information to really know someone’s likes and dislikes and turning to search engines can send you down a rabbit hole of misinformation. Ultimately, it’s all based on yours and your partners’ wants and needs. Remember, everybody enjoys different paths to pleasure. You can top and bottom with or without penetration, and with or without a penis or a strap on.

Tip: Consent is an ongoing process. Make sure you ask your partner what they’re into, what they’re not into and what their boundaries are.

Scissoring

Despite being featured in porn this isn’t the only way two people with vulvas have sex. Scissoring (tribbing) usually entails genital-to-genital contact, but any movement against a partner’s thigh, butt, hip, leg, arm, face, or fist works.

How it works: Two people face opposite directions with their legs spread, then shimmy together until they meet at the genitals so they can wiggle and grind in a way that is most pleasurable for them.

Finding the right spot

In the past there’s been misrepresentation and misunderstanding around the clitoris. Even now, we still don’t know everything about it. Whether it’s solo play or with a partner, if a technique doesn’t feel mind blowing, that’s okay. Most of us could benefit from learning more about clitoral stimulation. A great way to find out what you like is to explore, to ask your partner(s) if they can help you figure it out, or ask your partner(s) if they already know what they like. Different techniques using fingers, toys or mouths can involve switching direction, adding or taking away the pressure, speeding up, slowing down, changing the rhythm, kissing, biting or licking. You can also switch between external stimulation and vaginal penetration.

Expanding boundaries

Kink can mean a lot of things depending on who you’re talking to, from exploring in your bedroom, casual hook ups, and going to sex parties, to clubs, saunas, props, supports, costumes, leather or food play. All of these kinks can help evoke yours and your partners’ pleasure senses. Remember: safety and consent should always be the priority.

As you explore your sexuality, desires, and fantasies, you’ll probably enjoy some things more than others. It might even change as you grow. If you decide it isn’t for you, that’s okay! Do more of the things that feel good for you and your partner(s).

Sex isn’t the only way to be intimate

Sometimes the moments in our day to day are just as valid a form of intimacy as sex, if not more. Non-sexual intimacy can include kissing, clothes on, massages, admiring, appreciating, touching, bathing together, kissing, caressing, and hugging. All of these can help us connect on a different level and feel safe. Intimacy is all about enabling one another to feel prioritised and special.

What does aftercare look like for you?

Aftercare is how you and your partner(s) support each other and check-in after you’ve had sex. It can be different for different people, so just like you’ve chatted about sex, include what comes after. A cuddle and a chat about what’s good and what could be even better? Sensual touching and showering together, followed with a toasted sandwich and debrief? It’s up to you how you do it and what you want to gain from it.