My Sex My Way: Sex Ed Guide | Official Durex UK Store

Positivity

Sex positivity can encompass a wide range of elements but, at the centre, it involves embracing sexual diversity and an understanding that we should all feel like we have the freedom and support to have sex in the way we choose. It’s about exploring and respecting our sexuality and gender without judgment or shame. Remember, consent is a must.

In practice, sex positivity can include everything from helping to remove stigmas and eradicate shame to actually engaging with sex, in and out of the bedroom. This can help us and our partner(s) feel happier, healthier and safer.

Dissolving Shame

From slut shaming to body counts, there are lots of ways sex can be stigmatised. Let’s start by dismissing some of the most common stigmas: slut shaming is not ok, someone’s body count should be insignificant, masturbation can be fun, monogamy doesn’t have to be the only way and queer sex is just as valid as any other sex.

Non-judgemental communication with partners, friends and even other generations can help us engage in discussions without shame or taboo. Talking about sex can reduce its mystery and can help make sure that we all know our rights.

Overcoming internalised shame is a journey that can help us take pride in who we are and feel more confident engaging in relationships that make us happy.

It’s really important for people to lead with compassion instead of judgement.

Maxine She/Her @maxineheron

Caring for our bodies

Talking about sex can reduce its mystery and help promote healthy and open conversation. Body positivity might seem like a buzzword, but it is actually rooted in radical body acceptance. Learning about our bodies can also expand the way we experience pleasure - whether that’s by ourselves or with others.

From flipping through celeb magazines to scrolling through fad diets, before and afters and filters, the media can play a role in us not loving our bodies as much as we should. Fatphobia, euro-centric beauty standards, gendered stereotypes and ableism can make it harder for some of us to love our bodies. We should love to love our bodies, from the hairy parts or lack of hair to the fat, the stretch marks and the scars. So how do we create a better relationship with your body?

I realised that we’ve been comparing ourselves with unrealistic bodies. So, it helps me to shake off some of the shame others put onto us by wearing clothes and doing my hair in the ways that are authentic to me.

Jess She/Her @thechroniciconic

It’s important not to compare yourself against others. You can mute accounts that make you feel bad

Phil He/Him @idiosyncraticxl

When I was struggling with my self-esteem, my therapist suggested my friends write what they like about me and I stick these those positive affirmations around my mirror - it helped me reframe the way I saw myself.

Maxine She/Her @maxineheron

Not everyone aligns with gender binary expectations, and that’s ok. But we know we’re not typically taught this. Unlearning these expectations of ourselves, and others can help us enjoy our bodies how we see fit. If your partner is navigating body or gender dysphoria during sex, here are some tips that might help:

It all links to communication and boundaries –voicing what you’re comfortable with and not making assumptions.

Olly They/He

Before engaging in sex, you could try asking clearly if there are places that they’d like you not to touch, and if there are words to describe parts of their body that they’d prefer for you to use or not use.

Prishita They/Them @prishita_eloise

It’s really important to take things slow if you’re still figuring out what works for you both. If in doubt about how to continually ask for consent throughout without taking away from the moment, ask something like: ‘guide me on this, show me how this works for you – is this ok for you?

Maxine She/Her @maxineheron

Porn isn’t real-life

With an underrepresentation of LGBTQ+ in sex ed’, it can make sense to turn to porn, right? But porn is almost always a performance, not reality. We rarely see any chat about consent, boundaries, safe words or contraception. Outside of porn, the perfect environment doesn’t just appear out of nowhere – it’s created. Open communication can help to set the mood and allow everyone to feel safe and prepared both physically and mentally. Often porn isn’t an accurate representation of what sex can be. In real life, sex can be fun and funny, it can look awkward but feel incredible and it’s okay to laugh.

Show up for yourself

Sex should be judgement-free. There should be no shame in exploring kinks, hook-ups, non-monogamy, as long as it’s consensual. Equally, there should be no shame if you don’t fancy doing certain things.

A big part of navigating dating as a trans woman is actively prioritising your own needs and making sure these are met on a basis of a zero-tolerance policy for less. We’re constantly made to feel as though we should settle, but the second we do, nobody else is watching our standards for us. We have to maintain these ourselves, to make sure every encounter can be a good one for us.

Maxine She/Her @maxineheron

Someone might hate what you love and that’s okay, you can find other things you both love.

June He/Him @assignedfagatbirth

You are queer enough.

Jess She/Her @thechroniciconic

Things to remember

It’s recommended to get tested regularly for STIs.

It is good practice to clean hands before sex and pee afterwards to help prevent UTIs.

The only way to know your STI status is to get tested.

Open communication is a key part of good sex and can help to create safer environments.

A yes doesn’t mean yes to everything, it’s important to keep communicating regularly.

Sex isn’t the everything

Sex is great, but how people treat you is more important. There’s intimacy between romantic and sexual partners, but what about friends? Community is important. It can give us a feeling of connection and an understanding between kin -a chosen family.

Looking for platonic queer friends but don’t know where to start? There are a few queer friend apps to help you meet people, queer bookstores, grassroots LGBTQ+ centres and events. Learn more